Powerless to overcome the consequences of my behavior and escape from punishment, I had only my faith in God and the power of prayer to rely on.

Of all the bad choices in my life, I had never realized one of them would land me in the rut that I had created. Although I made many mistakes, I did graduate from high school and partially attended college. I believe what most would call a double life is the term “walking the fence.” I must admit, it was more of a chain-link fence, which continually pricked me along the way. Although I had the opportunity to do better, I allowed myself to choose the wrong path repeatedly, despite having a Christian upbringing. I attended a Christian private parochial school most my school years. That fact is what always led me to accept the negative consequences after each time my hand was caught in the cookie jar. The only problem is that I obviously liked the cookies far too much. Without being specific about the occasions, I have had to say "guilty,” each time my Christian background gradually resurfaced. Consequently, I began to realize that despite my life being one big mess, the Lord was still leading me. In hindsight, the Lord granted me mercy many times. There was a huge lesson involved each time. Sadly, I only learned the lesson after the fact. Nevertheless, God never gave up on me. All it took was for me to realize the purpose He had for me. Sometimes that was the hard part because the guilt of my past mistakes attacked me continually. Despite my new desires to be in a close relationship with Christ, I continued allowing myself to fall to the devil's traps.

They only got worse each time.

This time was different. I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life. However, I realized that God was leading my life despite me continuing to be a screw-up. I recalled, that “all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose” (Romans 8:28, NKJV). Next, I reminded myself of Hebrews 4:16: "Let us therefore come boldly to [God's] throne of grace, which we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” I have never prayed as hard as I had at this time. Was I mourning because of getting caught or sinning against God? Next, I began to pray, “Examine me, O LORD, and prove me; try my mind and my heart” (Psalm 26:2, NKJV). Doing this, I began to feel the peace and comfort about the situation that I had never felt in any of my experiences with seeking mercy.

My behavior hurt my loved ones more than I could realize, especially the one who loves me more than most. However, by God's grace I have learned what true love looks like.

God is interested in me. The amount of time we are here on earth is extremely short compared to an eternity, however, God notices. Looking up into the night sky I see the vast space and countless stars and it begins to seem like that is impossible. It is interesting to think that God, in the middle of all this apparent insignificance, would care about the life of a screw-up like me. Of course, interesting is an understatement considering He allowed His Son to die for me.

When I pondered the times God had shown me mercy, it gave me much reason to have faith that he would be merciful now, especially that His purpose is being fulfilled. I prayed, “Father, if it is Your will, take this cup away from me; nevertheless not my will, but Yours, be done,” (Luke 22:42, NKJV). Now I can honestly say, “The LORD GOD has opened my ear; and I was not rebellious, nor did I turn away” (Isaiah 50:5, NKJV).

Through this time I was introduced to the Walking the 12 Steps With Jesus Christ program that is a nationwide, as well as, international Christian, Bible-based program for recovery from addiction to drugs, alcohol, or other out-of-control habits. I have successfully completed their program. In addition, I have also completed their facilitator training course, thereby equipping me to lead groups in this same course of study.

Today, I am practicing my new purpose in addiction treatment. Toastmasters International RealTalk Gavel Club has really been a big help in strengthening my speaking skills. This has inspired me to further my studies in the ministry of counseling. I have been impressed to pursue formal training in Addictions Counseling, leading to certification. I do not know what tomorrow holds but I want it to be God's plan, not mine.